Archive for October, 2005

No One Cares at all if I’m Having a Ball

Friday, October 28th, 2005

My dearest dangleberries,

I am four weeks away from GRADUATION! What a fabulous day it promises to be. On this momentous day I will:

1. “Chat” with lecturers
2. Eat triangular sandwiches with all their triangular goodness
3. Wear a cape (with or without the BatLogo, I haven’t decided)
4. Prove once and for all to my parents that I actually was studying, not running a brothel

SOME TITLE USING A PUN ON THE WORD ‘TEXTUAL’

I had always assumed that text smileys (such an horrific phrase) were identical worldwide. Either that or I’d never thought about it before. Check out these ones from Korea, kindly provided by furiousthinking’s very own Korean correspondent.

HAPPY ^^
It’s all about the eyebrows.

EMBARRASSED – -;
Here we see the two (Korean) eyes and, on the side of the head, a bead of sweat with another trickling down the cheek. Clearly some form of intensely shameful humiliation. The kind them Koreans enjoy best.

CONFUSED – –
The narrow eyes apparently have become even narrower.

CRYING TT
Doesn’t work as well here as in mobile text form. The two ‘T’s should be two horizontal straight lines as eyes, punctuated by two perfectly vertical streams of tears.

ANGRY – -^
I have no idea how that is represented here.

I HATE YOU! / I’M GOING TO KILL YOU! – -+
Here the ‘plus’ sign signifies an evil glint of intent in the texter’s eye. So Korean.

I CAN’T DO THIS! @_@
The sole contents of a text sent during a ‘Night Before Big Exam’ cramming session (aka ‘arsecramming’). Another favourite of mine.

BULLSHIT! / I TOTALLY DISAGREE WITH YOU! -.,-
Once again, we see the disbelieving, hence narrowed, eyes*. The full stop is, obviously, a nostril while the comma is a runny nostril. What the?! you may well ask. Because it’s funnier, replies our Korean correspondent. And he’s right.

*Hmm… we’ve yet to see them wide and naïve. Probably why all Asians are such good businessmen.

Staying with the textual theme (See! I have a theme!), I’ve racked my brains but I cannot find one possible market for an SMS Bible.

JOB SATISFACTION

In one of my more productive days at work I found this rip-roaringly funny comic strip rather rip-roaringly funny. Better get your hopes up.

The brilliant ‘What If?’ episode.

One day at a table quiz with the neurogimp and her zoomuffin a simple question on Vitamin B12 rendered us stultified. Well and truly stultified. This particular installment means I may never forget again. Ever.

HELP! I NEED ADVICE! HELP! NOT JUST ANY ADVICE!

I will be attending a Hallowe’en party Saturday night and am now in the midst of a costume-related dilemma. My first instincts were to go as an IRA…soldier? terrorist? guy. An IRA guy. Complete with balaclava and all. I just thought it’d be funny to go against the “I want to be able to look good in my costume” trend and also to be a very unfunny, unpopular character. (Just for Saturday night, of course, you cheeky fool.)

I’m sick of the “Oooh look at me! I’m Bob Marley! I’m a great songwriter AND I died young! Everyone loves me!”, or “I’m a devil-girl! That makes me badd and sexy!” type costumes. What is a devil-girl anyway?

Or the guy who dresses as Austin Powers: “SHAGADELIC BABY! Ohoho, what a hoot! GROOVY BABY! I’m Austin Powers and I’m going to recite the movie all night! YEAH, BABY, YEAH!” Pointless.

No, I think everyone will be won over my far superior ironic wit and balaclava-hid good looks. I’m also positive it’ll be a great way to meet new people: “Hey, check out IRA guy over here! Hoho! Excellent! You guys, with your kneecapping and fruitless robberies, you guys crack me up!”

Well, that’s what I thought until I talked to B. She reckons I should go as Frodo. Given that I have been christened ‘Frodo’ by a group of fair foreign friends (a clever double entendre relating to my battle to save Middle Earth and nothing to do with my hair), the idea does seem appealing.

Thing is, I need a cloak! By tomorrow night! Where does one buy a cloak? Or a blanket roughly the size of a cloak?

All this and more, after these short messages.

FURIOUSTHINKING’S LINK OF THE WEEK! (as voted by stigmund)

Head, shoulders, knees and toes. Needs sound.

stigmund – The Only One Who Really Knew You, At All

Yearning For More Than A Blue Day

Friday, October 21st, 2005

THAT JOKE ISN’T FUNNY ANYMORE

Evening, my little mugs of cold vomit.

A sweet weekend was had by all. And by ALL I mean me.

Me old schoolpal, Noz, was over visiting from London and her (English) friends also happened to be in Dublin performing ‘Some Girls are Bigger than Others’ at the Olympia. We managed to wangle a couple of free tickets for the show. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen. It was very po-mo (you know: weird for the sake of being weird) but it was wonderful.

Onstage there were various things:

Six singer/dancer/actors, so plenty of singing and dancing and acting, strobe lighting (one guy loved this so much he practically threw a fit, right in front of us!), a string quartet, a mini trapeze act, a projection on the backdrop with loads of mini films, sex mimes, happenings, guns being shot and so on. You get the picture.

Afterwards, we got to go backstage where I met the guys from the quartet (Noz’s friends) and most of the actors. I confess to being somewhat starstruck when I first met the actors. Pathetic. But as it turns out, some of them are actually quite famous. NOTE: in my book, if there are 20 or more Google results pages featuring you, you’re quite famous.

We all went into Brogan’s next door for a few drinks and an old chat. The performers were very friendly and, surprisingly, quite down to earth. I spoke and they spoke back! To me! I was also happy because I managed not to make any “I fell on my bottom” comments.

They told me how they had begun their tour in London where it was met by some dismal reviews. Their next leg took them to Dublin where they enjoyed a much warmer reception.

Saturday followed a similar vein with more freebies!

HURRAY! I EARN MONEY AND I STILL DON’T PAY FOR THINGS!

Pinky got me on the guest list at Crawdaddy where he supported a ‘throat vocalist’ who can apparently sing three notes at once. My one regret of the night was that we didn’t get to stay and hear her. By the way, throat singing allows the artist the “capability of creating six pitches at once”! Ridiculous.

We couldn’t stay because we had been offered more tickets to Some Girls… But this time in one of those sweet private boxes! It was my first time in one of them. Not as cool a view as I’d expected to be honest, but it’s always good to be away from the riff-raff. Afterwards, we used our friends free passes to see some jazz/rock ‘n’ roll/swing cover band at the Sugar Club. A good good night.

THIS WEEK’S FIRST

I went to a theology lecture. Maynooth University was the venue for NT Wright’s lecture on ‘Paul the Preacher: the Gospel Then and Now’. Having read a lot (and having remembered very little) about this man, I was impressed anew by his clearcut, airtight and insightful research and his well-kept beard.

As if to balance out my week, I saw The Aristocrats and laughed. Hard. It’s produced quite a mixed reaction from the public and one of the most racist threads I’ve ever come across.

In the face of blind ignorance, sometimes you just have to laugh. Which I did.

Reading The Onion‘s horoscopes yesterday I came across this and I thought of my dear chum embee:

You know that people change when they have children. That said, your transformation will be particularly remarkable when you discover you have two dozen of them, all with special needs.

Good luck with that, preggo! We are all behind you!

Yesterday after work I felt a strange longing inside me, so I took out a wad of cash and scoured various stores for something I could blow it all on. THERE WAS NOTHING.

I went home, read Microserfs and listened to Jefferson Airplane. Turns out that was what I’d wanted all along.

stigmund – The Toast of Kalamazoo

About As Funny As Cholera

Friday, October 14th, 2005

Do people ever say these ridiculous phrases outside of an office?*

Touching base; learnings; going forward; positives.

*If you do, let me know. So that one sunny day, I can take a dump on a plate and leave it in the backseat of your car.

In that ridiculous rain on Tuesday I saw a girl, who I recognised as the librarian at my college, with a huge golf umbrella. Emblazoned all over the umbrella in upper case were the words, “HYPER CRACK TAMPON”. Does anyone have any idea what the hell she’s on about? A Google search produced no answers. Is it just a librarian thing?

I have no news. Take these links and shove it.

Ever wondered how good a hobo would be at poker? This good.

Black people love stigmund too.

This is almost hypnotic.

Bad news for Zoomy: Sufjan plays The Village tonight. But hey, it’s the weekend.




Smile

Originally uploaded by stigmund.


stigmund gotta roll, can’t stand still, got a flame in his heart, can’t get his fill

Curiosity Killed In Brutal Cat Revenge Beatings

Monday, October 10th, 2005

Having studied marketing for four years, I’ve put up with a lot of nonsense from misinformed, misguided, ignorant and silly marketing nay-sayers. (I’m still not used to the novelty of being able to say things like that. Ha. All idiots they were. Heehee.)

But the following is indeed some horrific marketing. Lap it up:

1. The infomercial. Possibly my least favourite form of marketing*. Get a load of this guy!

*Even the name has that notorious marketing jargon sound to it. It’s a commercial that gives you information. Get it? Eh? Eh? *nudge nudge* Eh? *nudge* Eh?

2. Anyone else hate the new LUAS campaign targeting jammy fare-dodgers? It would strike fear into the heart of the most faithful ticket-buyers. They’ve put these stickers at every stop saying:

“Wrong ticket. Wrong zone. Wrong age. Wrong day. Wrong direction. Wrong ID.

Pay the fare or pay the price. ”

Sheesh, you can be the wrong AGE for crying out loud!

Inspector: How old are you?
Stigmund: 22
Inspector: WRONG! Come with us please.
Stigmund: But surely it’s my ticket that doesn’t match my-
Inspector: Are you saying the ticket is wrong? There is no *way* you could be 22 with this ticket. Absolutely no way.

3. October saw the opening of Dundrum’s new cinema, the abysmally-titled ‘Movies @ Dundrum’. But check out their website: utter toilet.

I particularly like the picture of the (1981) mobile with the clever caption: “hello cinema!!” The double exclamation marks serve to double the excitement, don’t you know. And is it just me or do you imagine a child with special needs saying that when they pick up the phone?

Oh dear, the more I browse around it the more horrendous it becomes. Tackoriffic. I would stop but there’s so much more: half of the links don’t work! Hold your cursor over ‘Competitions’, ‘Downloads’ or ‘Kids Club’ and nothing happens! Same nonsense with all of their movie titles. The tab in the centre called ‘CINEMAS HOME’ (what does that mean?) takes you back to…why, it takes you back to the page you’re already on. Brilliant.

But my favourite part is how they call upcoming films “oncoming films”. EVERYBODY DOWN! IT’S A FILM!

WAITING FOR THE PRESENT TO PASS

I’m a little blue today. I don’t know exactly why yet. I have drawn some possible conclusions:

– the fact that the sky (and thus, of course, the sun) has been blocked by some impressively low-lying cloud all day. It’s been twilight all day.

– a heavy sort of tiredness. Not the kind you struggle with after one late night out and an early morning the next day, more like the week-long late nights.

– the news that Given may have picked up an injury in training today that will rule him out of Wednesday’s tie. It was Gary Doherty, by the way. If you’re going to the game, bring fruit.

That would be our best remaining player out. Never say ‘things can only get better’.

Oh, and I just looked outside: it’s now raining.

stigmund finds it hard to tell you ‘cos he finds it hard to take

X-RATED Messages Of A Textually Explicit Nature

Monday, October 3rd, 2005

CURRENTLY IN MY MOBILE PHONE INBOX:

I just threw up a little in my mouth. I’m saving it for you though.

Man, jalepinos burn as much on the way out as they do on the way in. More so, even.

If you were a flavour of vomit it’d be toothpaste and orange juice. Bottoms up!

Never heard of her. She’s probably an asshole.

If I vomit poo it’s only because you make me nervous. Shut up! Pigboy.

WHEN SHE’S NOT RAGING DRUNK, NEURO SOMETIMES TEXTS ME. THE FOLLOWING IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I TEXT BACK.

STIGMUND AND NEURO: A CHAT

neuro: The police said your poo is in prison.

stigmund: The priest is here. He’s performing an exorcism on my poo. It’s horrific.

neuro: Terrific eh? Your poo is terrific? That’s not what the doctor OR paraplegic policeman said. And the paramedic died of poo poisoning. The funeral is up your hole.

stigmund: Will you sing at it? We were thinking, ‘Everything I Poo, I Poo if for You’, ‘I’ll be Missing Poo’ or ‘Happiness is a Warm Poo’.

neuro: Well, I wouldn’t be a hundred per cent sure. The police said thanks for the poo. Goodnight, you filthy thing, it was short but squishy, bits of corn in it.

AND SOMETIMES NEURO WRITES ME POEMS AND TEXTS THEM TO ME:

There once was a fellow called Stig
Who cavorted each day in a wig
His curls brought such joy
To each girl and each boy
That he gleefully swallowed a twig!

The twig was so tasty he cheered
And promptly began growing a beard
The beard was no fun
(Mere fluff of the bum)
And would not behave
(As was feared).

Stigmund didn’t know what to do
So he snuck off and had a quick poo
He had a brainwave
(The day would be saved!)
And stuck pubes to his face with some glue.

stigmund has no faith in medicine